Fantasy Letter

One of my tasks today was to send letters to potential students who applied for a speech team scholarship. On my computer I had a "you got the scholarship" letter that I modified and sent. I did not have a "you didn't get the scholarship" letter, which I needed for one applicant.

I wrote a short letter that said things like "strong applicant pool," "more applicants than spots on the team," and "best wishes as you ..."

I wanted to write the following letter - which was much easier to compose than the one I actually sent.

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Dear Scholarship Reject:

Your primary mistake in applying for the speech team scholarship was making the effort to meet me in person. The first minute of that meeting provided me with adequate information to reject your scholarship application.

The first clue to your undesirability was when you told me that you attended three different high schools in the same city. I thought there might be some issues.

The next clue you provided was when I was thinking how you were tragically born without a personality, and you mentioned how you loved after-dinner speaking, which is a humorous speech. I thought how you may be similar to a certain student from another university who is highly kub-irri-oh-tating-ta.

The final clue came in the reference from your high school speech coach. While the letter did not say anything bad, it didn't say much of anything at all. I interpret this as secret teacher code for "I don't want to say anything bad, though there are bad things to say - run from this person!"

Your mom also talks a lot. And I mean that literally, not in the "your mom" line of joking kind of way.

If you do attend my university, please don't attempt to join the speech team. While we are open to any student joining (according to the official position of the university), we will probably definitely treat you in such a way that will make you want to quit.

Fondly,
Sam