Steve Austin Did Not Wear These Gloves

As I was reading through a gardening magazine today, I noticed a short article on Bionic Rose Gloves.

The gloves:
- are so supple that you can pick up a penny. ["Supple" is a word I need to use more often.]
- feature kidskin leather. [I don't want to know what this is.]
- offer protection from thorns. [I think all gloves do this.]

There is no mention of the bionic quality of the gloves. So, I called the toll-free number and asked about this. After all, if I'm going to pay $44.99 for gloves, they need to be better than my gloves from the dollar store.

The person I talked to did not know much about the bionic aspects of the gloves. Apparently there are no nuclear-powered components or implants. They have no cybernetic parts. The gloves will not produce superhuman strength and speed, which I was hoping to have as I trim my four rose bushes.

Steve Austin was barely alive. He was rebuilt. He was the six-million-dollar man. He was better than he was before - better, stronger, and faster. He did not wear bionic rose gloves. Neither will I.